As a new mom surrounded by girlfriends who don’t have kids yet but are in their childbearing years, I get a lot of questions about how I feel as a new mom and how it’s going. And if you know me you can count on the fact that I will be brutally honest.

And that might differ a bit than the expected: I love motherhood! Reply.

Because to be honest, I don’t love being a mom. Don’t misunderstand me: I adore my son (in fact, I’ve become a tad obsessed lately), but I still can’t wrap my head around this new full-time (and by that I mean 24/7 no breaks or vacations) position. 

Who enjoys not sleeping, looking like crap, realizing we are still in our PJs at 4pm, cleaning poop, constantly trying to calm hysterical cries, driving with said hysterical cries, worrying constantly, and never being your own person again? I mean. When you really think it through, it kinda blows. BUT!!! You get a little human whom you can watch grow… and that’s nothing short of a miracle. So I guess it’s a really f*<£!^} sharp double edged sword. Still, I’ll join the mommy choir in chanting: it’s worth it…. only because they are delicious little witches who lure you with their giggles and yummy smells. Evil, I tell you.

At this point, I’m sort of settled on the idea that I’ll never be completely content as a mom; however, I’m accepting my fate. But this “road less traveled” hasn’t exactly been user friendly.

I felt so guilty when I first gave birth because I wasn’t head-over-heels for Achilles as soon as he was born. I cried when I first saw him, but it was out of relief. I was so worried that everything in the pregnancy would turn out okay (not to mention that my delivery was very tense), so I was mainly crying tears of joy–sort of an ‘I’m glad it’s over.’ And yes, I was incredibly shocked that the little being in my arms was all mine and that I had made him, but it was NOT love at first sight like so many moms described it would be.

Naturally, I felt unnatural and alone. Everyone seemed to love my own son more than I did.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I was an alien in the land of mothers. A woman who was just keeping her spawn alive. Where was the magical love I was supposed to have immediately for this tiny stranger. I didn’t really know him…. maybe he would grow up to be an ingrate… why would I love him right away? It just didn’t make sense to me. I did, however, have an immense feeling of responsibility towards my creature. I was beyond worried about him since day 1. Keeping him alive and happy was my number one priority, and I think I did it pretty well. Still the days he would cry non-stop threw me over the edge, and I often wondered if I could shove him back up to where he came from.

It took me about 3 months to LOVE my baby head over heels. And I think that’s pretty reasonable.

There are simply moms who love immediately and some who take their time and some who REALLY take their time. And that’s ok. Whichever one you are is perfect. The good news is your kid will never find out because he won’t remember….

Another one of nature’s pesky jokes… kids conveniently forget the years we sacrifice and struggle through the most… it’s like they never happened. Making manipulation that much harder…. luckily, these days, we have cellphones and social media… and BLOGS. Ha!